he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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