It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize