I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
