Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
