dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
