hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
