The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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