He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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