i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
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