I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
