I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
