to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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