My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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