Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
