i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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