my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
