Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
