8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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