; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
