I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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