How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
