WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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