Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
