I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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