I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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