I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
