My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
