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i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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