my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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