If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
