Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Floor bacon is actually really good
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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