Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
