fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize