my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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