I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize