Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize