Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize