it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Randomize
