Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
