Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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