I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Randomize
