How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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