Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
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