Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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