my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
