I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
