And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
