Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
