Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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