do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
