my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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