At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
