mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
did you just send me my own nude
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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