Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
