I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
