I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
