jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
