Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
