Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
