The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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