the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I currently don't understand fingers.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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