My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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