He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
