This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
